How my baby saved me from chronic depression

Have you ever looked at a baby and thought, “Oh my God! My life is over”? As a mom, I don’t know how many would think after seeing her baby that is a joyful fusion of pureness and innocence. I did. Even after weeks of my son’s birth, I could not get out of those shabby thoughts.

His glimmering big eyes rolling curiously, the tiny hands and legs whizzing through the air, and the cute little grins at his sleep were not did I admire or adore.

Only now, as I see my sister’s baby, I am trying to reminisce what my baby would have done. It’s been three years with my son now and the guilt of not enjoying my baby has never left from me.

Though I did not put him in my clumsy plan for life, he chose me and that too with a greater purpose. Yes. Just this little bud’s presence turned around my life for the good.

I was suffering from depression for many years. The persona which my friends and family saw of me, was only a makeover from my sickening thoughts. The world around me made no sense and I was locked-up in my head that was filled with darkness and more darkness.

Few years passed with me confused of not knowing what is happening and why I always felt like a numb person. And the remaining years, after realizing it is a mental problem called depression, I struggled every single day to get out of it, on my own.

But the mighty ocean of depression dragged me to the rock bottom. I battled to come up every single time, only to be swallowed by another giant tide.

I had never loved myself. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and I try to simply smile as an affirmation of loving myself. But I only have stood there staring at me, while my brain brings me umpteen reasons to hate myself. And it always wins.

I thought I had good control over food. But later I realized I had a loss of appetite. Everybody called me a gym freak. But only I knew, I went there to be mentally alive the next day. Exercise and sometimes, “Friends” series, would temporarily open me the windows to the outer world.

As a child, I think everyone believed that the sky is only as high as a coconut tree. If not, at least me. But actually, it is way more far from the imagination. That’s how, trying to come out of depression felt for me. Recovery was not at my reach as I believed.

To wherever beautiful place I went, to whichever fancy restaurant I dined, with whoever closest I spent time with, the unexplainable sadness stayed with me, haunting and sucking my peace.

You know, when it’s a car accident and there are bruises in the body, or any physical ailments, our loved ones show so much empathy and positivity. But when it is a mental problem and the only way to make others know about the problem is by talking out, even our loved ones start judging us and think it as an exaggeration of sadness which everybody lives with.

With depression, continued my job, marriage and boom! The pregnancy. Only a happy mother gives birth to a happy baby. How can a lady who cannot lift herself will grow another human? The baby in my womb is unlucky to have a mother like this. Confusions and frustrations were rambling in me.

And another early morning he was in my arms. I genuinely don’t remember how he looked like, as the overwhelming sadness clouded my vision. Anyone would think of me as a cruel mom, if I have shared. Even I felt the same.

And oh! I did not breastfeed him. I did not have the mental stamina to continue it each day. My life went on by mostly taking care of him, cleaning him and being with him. A year passed with my son and depression.

Gradually I started noticing a change in me. The heavy mist ebbed away and a wisp of positivity and happiness sparked. The frequency of depression cycle reduced. A gush of love began pouring out for my baby. All goodness around me got my notice and a new feeling called, “gratefulness”, was born.

My excitement knew no bounds but equally a tense stayed, for I doubted that the happiness would disappear anytime. Fortunately, it did not and from then on, life is much better.

But how did it all turn right? What lifestyle change did I make? I was very curious to know, so that I could spread the remedy to whoever has lost their lives through depression.

After months of rewinding my past year, I found it was my baby and whatever I did for the baby.

In depression, the thoughts rule me. Moments pass on right in front of me. I watch it all, but my head observes something else. It is like you are watching a video, but you are listening to someone talking nearby.

But as my baby came, I was compelled to do things for him which I would not have done otherwise. So, what happened is, my overthinking was interrupted.

When I had to get out of bed, I ignored and stayed in my head. But after his arrival, it was impossible. I was constantly pushed to do chores for him and I did even though I hated it.

I knew overthinking induces depression. I have tried my best to avoid, but mostly it goes out of hand. Sometimes it leads to severe headaches which I could not recover without medication. With the baby, I was not able to overthink and like an exercise I have unknowingly practiced it for a year. And at the end, it all looks like a miracle. Funny!

Ironically, what I thought is goanna ruin my life, turned out to be a gift for life. Sometimes we plan so right for avoiding bad situations. But who knows? It can end way better than our plans. For the days I hated me, I am balancing by loving me even more. The mom-guilt? It is there. And whenever it tries to suppress me, I shower my boy with ample love and kisses.